Bang Up Car

My husband likes cars. That may be the biggest understatement of the year. Usually when the passenger of my car gasps, I assume I am about to be struck by an oncoming vehicle or I’m about to strike a pedestrian or Jesus has returned and can be seen coming on the clouds. When my husband gasps however, it’s because some fantastically overpriced magic on wheels has caught his eye. Some wonderful piece of mechanical engineering lives a few houses down from us, and he shrieks with glee every time he sees it, every time. Miss Practicality, otherwise known as this beloved author, doesn’t get it. That may be the second biggest understatement of the year. I need something safe, large enough to carry groceries and a stroller and get me reliably from point A to point B. That’s it. The end.

My son, mini-man, is following in his father’s footsteps in this area. He can point out a ‘racecar’ at 20 paces, oohs and ahs at fast cars and has already selected his future car of choice. “When I get big big big I will buy an orange Mustang no have top on it.” And yes, he knows exactly what he is saying. This has been the car of choice for many months, even though, I admit, I have been throwing other choices out there when opportunity arises, just to test his resolve. “NO, momma. Orange Mustang no have top on it.” At least he isn’t pining for a Lamborghini, which coincidently was my dear husband’s dream car when he was three.

So imagine my surprise when on the way to church he announces he is going to buy a ‘bang up’ car. Naturally my first question was if this was to replace the Mustang. To which he replied, “Of course not momma. That’s a silly question. Still have my Mustang.” Oh, right. Sorry. So what exactly is a ‘bang up’ car you wonder, “A bang up car is a really really old car I can smash with a hammer.” We never really got to the bottom of why exactly he needed both a flashy racecar and literally an old beater because a red Porsche decided to cruise by, which did not go unnoticed by The Kraken. There’s no talking to them in the car trance state, and so I drove on.