Pee at your own risk

I have an irrational fear of public restrooms. Not the germs per say, though I am a squat and hover. (My mommy brain tells me a little background info is necessary to add at this time. I believe there are three types of women grouped by their approaches to the public restroom. There are the squat and hovers, such as myself, the wipe it, wrap it and sits, and the momma didn’t raise me right sit and deal with the consequences. Now that I have that off my chest, let’s continue.) I am terrified that I am going to be murdered in a public restroom.

Now I admit that my brain is a bit, to steal a term, fantastical, but I didn’t come up with this fear all on my own. I blame Sigourney Weaver. I do. She was in the movie Copycat, which looking back on it now has quite a few good actors involved, where a man or maybe two men attempt to kill her in a public restroom two separate times by going over the side of the stall and hanging her.

Stupid, right? Yes. But anytime the urge hits while out and about or on toll roads where public restrooms are impossible to avoid, I pray and pray and pray that it will be extremely busy. I will wait in line for any length of time because it means I am safe. No one is going to hang me with so many witnesses. If the toilets are empty, and I am all alone, my heart races, my palms sweat and I perform the hurry up squat and hover while craning my neck to look up at the ceiling for the noose that is my doom. (Ladies, this is why you should not just sit down on the pot. I am a kind citizen and will be neat and wipe the seat if I sprinkle when I tinkle, but for crying out loud!)

Once I flush another problem arises. I have given up my location. The killer knows where I am. I take a deep breath and open the door quickly as if to take my murderer by surprise. I have imagined a million different crazies standing on the other side of the door. My heart goes out to the poor woman who happens to sneak in to the restroom while I am doing my business without my knowing. I cannot be held responsible for what I will say or do if someone is in fact standing on the other side of the stall door. Oh, man. That could be really horrible. Really funny, or really horrible.

Um, Hi babe. Could you please come and pick me up at the police station? I terrorized a woman in a public restroom. . .

At least I will have a friend in my support group.