Helpful

I am a co-matron of honor in my sister’s wedding on Saturday! (My sister is getting married! Wahoo!) And as such, I feel I should be helping with the plans and preparation as much as possible to help ease the stress from the bride and mother of the bride. Unfortunately, I live about two hours from party central. On top of the distance, I come in a package deal. Anywhere I go I bring the death and destruction that can only be my Kraken, and the unrelenting sleep depriver that is my Siren. By day we knock over wedding cakes and shred invitations. By night we keep you tossing and turning in order to create dark under eye circles which are all the rage with brides these days.

It seems absence makes the heart grow fonder, or maybe we relieve more stress by staying away. Whatever the case, I still want to do what I can to help.

So I did the only thing I knew was absolutely necessary. I started blowing up my Facebook page and consequently the pages of my ‘friends’ with Steel Magnolias quotes. The women in my family have an odd addiction to this movie and, no we don’t need help. Steel Magnolias contains the answer to any problem, and can make us laugh in any situation. How to do your hair: “Just tease it and make it look like a brown football helmet.” What to do with a dog that is stressed out: “Serve him on toast.” How to make friends and influence people: “NOBODY MOVE! MY CONTACT!” How to deal with a drunk: “I don’t care what you do in your fridge, but you will not keep liquor in mine.” How to conduct a sports interview: “Would you call that grape or Aubergine?” How to tell someone you care: “I love you more than my luggage.” Like I said, awesome movie and just the ticket to get us laughing. Operation: Relieve Stress from afar is a success!

What else? Oh, yeah. All eyes should be on the bride on her glorious day, not the wildebeest standing up front in a cute strapless dress. If you know me, I hope you would agree that I am about as low maintenance as a girl can come. Mostly a good thing, except when it comes to hair removal. I don’t have the time, the strength nor do I really care enough to shave, pluck or wax regularly (my husband, poor fellow, must really like me just for being me). In college when I was playing volleyball, I would only shave from where my kneepad ended to where my spandex shorts began. That’s it. Not kidding. Also, among other wonderful aliments, I have a bit of a moustache problem. I’m learning to like myself, but that guy has got to go. So, just for my favorite older sister, I waxed the stache, plucked my eyebrows, pulled some extroverted nose hairs and unbraided my leg hair so it could be shaved smooth. I’m not sure my shower drain will ever recover, but I look a bit like a woman and less like a Sasquatch.

All for my sister on her big day! I am nothing if not helpful.